All you left behind.

It came quite suddenly.


Just last December when I visited home, I was telling my friends and family that I had probably found the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

But now I know I was only telling that to myself.



The realisation hit me at the end of last month.



It’s funny that I’m writing this on a public blog on the internet.

One of things I began to despise about you was that you would freely write about almost everything and everything on a public social networking site.
I remember you saying how you had bad social skills, and that you didn’t have any particularly close friends that you could talk to.
I suppose the internet was the only place for you to express yourself.
You could confine in it more than you could to me.

Do you realise how lonely that made me feel?

And in the irony of me doing the same thing now, on my personal blog that practically no one knows about, unlike your SNS, I suppose there’s a part of me that wishes you would read this.
Not that you would ever find it.
Not that you ever knew I had a blog.

I guess you weren’t that interested in my hobbies.
Maybe you weren’t so interested in me.


It makes me smile in a sad way as it was due to SNS that we ever really hit it off in the first place.
I used to enjoy reading your crude comments and twisted thoughts on life, however I began hating them as I knew you were just creating an image for yourself.




I can already see the anger in your face at me saying you were “making an image for yourself”.


You wouldn’t want to admit it, but I know you very well.


I’d come to learn what angers you, or words I know that would irritate you.


Which is why I held them back.
I could no longer say exactly how I felt.

That was too stressful for me, so I found myself saying them anyway.



I knew you hated how strong-willed I was.

I suppose a quiet, polite, feminine Japanese girl who nodded at every word you say would be more ideal for you.




Even when I was with you, I didn’t think it had to me.


It could’ve been anybody.


I never felt special.


I never felt I was special to you.


I was some girl who happened to be seeing you at a certain point in your life where you were ready and needed to get along with life and future plans.


Maybe you didn’t intend for that, but that’s how it came across to me.

That we would sort of go with the flow, get together, have our future together and work it out because “we had to”.





I didn’t want a life like that.





But you did tell me in the end.

Words I never thought possible coming from you.


That actually, maybe I was a bit special for you.
Everything about me that I thought angered you, you praised.

You said you wished for us to stay together.






If only I’d heard those words earlier…





You told me you’re no good with words.

Well, it’s not all about “words”.

It’s about how you treated me.


In truth, I didn’t really feel loved.


I was insecure.


Constant questions which I tried to keep pushed at the back of my mind.

Are you sure you want to be with me?

Do you enjoy being with me?

Do I irritate you?

Had you never thought I was the only one for you, and no one else would do?

Were you with me because of the sake of being with some one?




Of course, I saw things realistically.

I wasn't expecting a knight in shining armour, I don't believe fairytales of pure, "true love".



But, if things were like how they were…how would they have been in the future?





Remember our last conversation?


You said, “Making the decision to be with each other would be the end."


I said, “To me, that’s not the end. It’s a new beginning.”



How can I look forward to a new beginning when you think it’s the end?

That's too sad.




I think I panicked.

With all my friends doing their things, and meeting all your family and spending more time with them.

I felt pressured.



I wanted to enjoy the present.



But even “the present” wasn’t enjoyable recently…






Perhaps it was because our hobbies and interests were so different, but I found most of the time we were doing what you wanted to do.

I didn’t mind at first, but I started to get tired.



Why can’t I do the things I enjoy with the person I love?

Why can’t I proudly bring along the person I love to events with friends?



I know you tired.


But only a few times.


I could tell you were forcing yourself.
It was written all over your face.

Unlike me, who could smile at whatever you wanted to do.

You probably didn’t realise it, but I tried so hard.

But when I saw you enjoying yourself,  I naturally enjoyed myself too.

I guess I'll that's where we were different too.


In the end, I said, "Don’t come. I’ll go by myself.”


So there I would often be, alone.



Even if my friends were with me, the fact was you weren't there.



You will never realise I how lonely I felt.




I’m sorry.



But I hope some day you will understand that I did this for you, too.

I doubt you can think that way now.


It’s cliche, but I truly feel that there is someone better for you out there.


I couldn’t make you happy.

But you couldn’t make me happy either.





People don’t change.


Fact.




I do have good memories.

Lots of new experiences too.

I’m going to only remember the fun times and put them away somewhere safe.



Thank you for everything.



“Anata no Shiawase wo Negaimasu.”
I wish you all the happiness in the future.






You hated the city.
You hardly ever came to my apartment.


I left a lot of things at your place.

I left presents and gifts that I really thought about getting for you.
They will probably get thrown away.

I also left a lot of memories there.



But in my apartment, there is no smell or presence of you at all.

All that remain are in the tray I bought especially for you for that bad habit I hated.


The only thing you left behind.




Ashes.


Review, Renew, and Resolute.

Busy, busy, busy.

I enjoy being busy though.
And I enjoy having a silly Blog which I update freely when I want to, not really expecting anyone to read it ;)

Start of a new year again.

Reading back on my first post of 2014, it's funny to see I went through a similar experience again. 2014 wasn't the best of years either - in fact it was probably worse for me especially in terms of work, health and a few relationship issues.

I began the year with the icky skin illness 'pityriasis rosea Gibert'. The redness and itchiness stayed with me for at least 7 months, and I still have the scars and stains from it today.
The job which I enjoyed in the end of 2013 went downhill, and I quit and found a new one at the beginning at March. I was blinded by the explanations of what seemed to be an amazing place with understanding bosses, only to find that it was probably the worst place I have ever worked at. It had a lot to do with the co-workers, and the fact that the understanding bosses were far from understanding. I have never gotten so emotional or hysterical at work in my life. I'm ashamed at the way I broke down in front of my boss and co-workers, but that's how close to the edge I was.

Call it fate, but my frantic search for a new career landed me in one of the best opportunities I have ever had. Leaving "workplace from hell" at the end of July, I became a translator in the television business. The pay is the lowest of all the jobs I've had, and it is also ironically the one with the most workload. Yet in terms of experience, I am earning a lot, and I love it. Since August, I have translated a number of programmes that have been shown abroad, acted as a narrator and did voice-overs, and had business trips to Tokyo and Singapore. The best part is I have a very understanding boss and great co-workers who I have no problem working with, and I am recognised for my hard work and skills - I got a small pay raise and bonus in December!

After reviewing last year, it's time to look towards this year with my usual resolutions which I've been writing up on this blog for the past 2 years.
These are actually the same as the ones from 2013, as I wasn't able to keep them all last year.


New Blog, upcoming 27th

I'm 27 this Sunday.


....shit.


I'm not much of a swearer, but these two numbers jumped up on me from nowhere.

And hello, it's a random update again.

Before I delve into the agonies of turning 3-years-before-30, I will let readers know, if any, that I have been fiddling around with my Blogs and have made a few changes. I now have 3 blogs;

  1. A Cup of Ethicalism - a new blog relating solely to my ethical lifestyle in Japan. This title used to be for my photo blog, but I found this title to be the most fitting for this content. If you are interested in how I try to live more ethically through buying fair trade, cruelty free products, and take part in charity and environmental activities in Japan, check it out yo. This will be my most updated blog of the three.
  2. My Pegasus Sky - my phobot blog, previously named 'A cup of Materialism/Ethicalism'. Content is still the same as before; full of amateur photography I've taken as a hobby. Updated whenever I want to share some pretty pictures focusing around eating out, travelling, fashion, scenery 
  3. Fish'n'Chips with Soysauce - this blog. My personal blog, and my most pointless blog I suppose now that I have decided to keep my ethical lifestyle posts separate. Random posts of life, issues I'm concerned with, and life in Japan. Updated whenever I have the urge to ramble something.
...and back to my aging issue.

For some reason, 27 to 28 doesn't sound like such a big jump, but 26 to 27 does. I'm....mature. Or should be.

It also means I have been living in Hokkaido, Japan for exactly 5 years now. It's an odd mix of feeling like I've lived here forever and feeling like I only arrived yesterday.

One thing is for sure though, is that I will probably not return to live in England.

I'm planning on posting my reasons why in a future post, for those who read this and fell off their chairs in horror.

Aside the fact that I am turning the "mature" 27, I will be having a 17yr old style birthday party. Nomihoudais at two restaurants, making a grand total of 4 hours of alcoholic beverage consuming, plus hopping to a bar and ending in a club, if I'm still standing straight. Will be spending it with some close friends and I am shamelessly looking forward to it.

Also, I have begun a new job in the translating field in TV since 2 weeks ago; pretty much my dream come true! Aside from my low pay for the first 6 months, things are going pretty good, and they are holding a kangeikai for me tonight. Two nights in a row of drinking and eating.
And yes, that diet I was talking about in my last post has been out the window for a while.