Review, now reset.

The number of times I've tried to "reset" myself over certain times of my life is quite amusing.

But I believe this time, I really need to start over.

After breaking a heart, having my own broken straight after, and now uncertain about what was almost a set future ahead of me, I've been rethinking about myself and my life.

Seriously, when it comes to physical ageing and society today, things don't balance out.

There was a part of me that panicked a little with a big handful of my friends tying the knot and settling down, but when I think back, until there was talk about it from the then significant other, I had never in my life ever wished for it. In the long run, it would be nice, but if anything I had a stronger desire for having kids, which is the main reason I thought, in terms of being in my late twenties, it was "now or never".

My new outlook on life?

Bollocks to that.

Stuff all the trying to dress my age, act my age, do things "my age should be doing".

When I came to Japan in my early twenties, many people said they thought I was older because I was a lot more maturer than the sissy Japanese girlies (Not all of them, but they really are young. Both in looks and attitude.)
I've noticed things have turned around recently as most of the people I meet now think I'm in my early to mid twenties. Either I've immature-d, or my skin looks fantastic. I tell myself it's the latter, though I do miss my perfect skin of my student years.

So, now I know I can pull of looking young, I've decided I still have opportunities of the younger generation too. I have decided to conquer my crazy, silly dreams that I'd pushed aside these past years.

Check it out.

  • Update my wardrobe with what I want to wear - grunge, rock chic, go wild. People will probably stare and think I'm a (giant) whore but I will strut down the street in my killer heels and fishnets without a care.
  • Find a band(s), do lots of gigs. Go crazy on stage, be who I really want to be.
  • Be super determined at trying to lose a bit of weight and tone up.
  • Try modelling as a side project, just for fun.
  • Get the piercings that I'd always wanted.
  • Hang out with friends more, make more friends.
  • Go out drinking and dancing, get wasted without anyone frowning upon me, whilst not going too over the top.
  • Be a camera whore on instagram and simplog, because since I've put more pictures up of my face and body, the number of followers have soared, and the compliments make me happy. I know I sound vain, but I've had and still do have issues with my appearance and body that have stopped me from many things, and  this helps my confidence.
  • Continue to be inspired by beautiful people around me and online (tumblr, haha).
  • Travel more, go out more, visit places I've never been.

...I sound like a whining teenager, eheh.

But I've decided to be kind to myself. I always seem to be trying to please someone, and I'm tried of it.

I may not reach all these goals, but just having them in mind is keeping me strong these days.

The rest of this year is going to be fantastic.

I aim to have reached a number of these goals by summer, my favourite season of the year.

A Fool in Love

In the irony of having written a post about a break up, I find myself writing about another one, two months later, but this time, I'm the one with a broken heart.

"A fool in love."

A phrase that unfortunately and perfectly fits me.

I try to be cool, try to take things rationally, don't share my love life openly and push forward the image of “Career girl first, relationships second”, but in reality, I’m a pathetically lonely damsel who acts on her emotions.

My first realisation in that I could be such a “fool in love” was with my first ever, proper boyfriend when I was 20.

Ridiculously innocent and pure, I experienced everything with him, from simply going on a date to even holding hands with a boy.

I adored him, and although his feelings were stronger at first, as I grew to love him, he began to cool down.

Sod’s law of relationships, that.

I experienced a month of tears and arguments, and desperately fought to keep him.
Near the end of our relationship he gave me false hope, but then he snatched it away from me in a sudden instant with the words,

“I think we should go back to being friends.”

Over 6 months of hell.

I could still cry over it a year after.

Determined not to go through the same pain again, I approached relationships more cautiously.

Due to also being more experienced, the next 3 relationships were somewhat “normal”.
There were times I enjoyed myself, times where I got angry or sad, but none of them had the passion I did with my first boyfriend.

At the time I was with my fourth boyfriend, in a not satisfactory but “normal” relationship, I was even considering a normal future with him.

But then, you appeared.

All you left behind.

It came quite suddenly.

Just last December when I visited home, I was telling my friends and family that I had probably found the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

But now I know I was only telling that to myself.

The realisation hit me at the end of last month.

It’s funny that I’m writing this on a public blog on the internet.

One of things I began to despise about you was that you would freely write about almost everything and everything on a public social networking site.
I remember you saying how you had bad social skills, and that you didn’t have any particularly close friends that you could talk to.
I suppose the internet was the only place for you to express yourself.
You could confine in it more than you could to me.

Do you realise how lonely that made me feel?

And in the irony of me doing the same thing now, on my personal blog that practically no one knows about, unlike your SNS, I suppose there’s a part of me that wishes you would read this.
Not that you would ever find it.
Not that you ever knew I had a blog.

I guess you weren’t that interested in my hobbies.
Maybe you weren’t so interested in me.

It makes me smile in a sad way as it was due to SNS that we ever really hit it off in the first place.
I used to enjoy reading your crude comments and twisted thoughts on life, however I began hating them as I knew you were just creating an image for yourself.

I can already see the anger in your face at me saying you were “making an image for yourself”.

You wouldn’t want to admit it, but I know you very well.