An odd weekend with a fragile heart

Good morning, sunshine!

Spring has arrived early in Sapporo and Hokkaido this year, and I am not complaining in the slightest.

Last weekend was a bit of weird one.

I went to teach the once-a-month English class in the city close to where I used to live 2 years ago, which is next to the city I often did a few gigs with bands, and so I used to go out drinking there.

After my classes, I went to a friend’s bar in the mentioned-above city. I hadn’t been there for almost over a year. I was planning on catching the last train home, however, 2 hours was much too short for a catch up with my friend, and the new cute bartender had me under his spell with his smile and attentiveness.

I ended up staying till the morning.

After the bar closed at 5am, I joined my friend and cutie boy for morning ramen, then caught the first bus home, getting into bed around 9am.
It had been a long while since I’d been a dirty stop out, though this time there was no major involvement with men, I had enjoyed a little alcohol but wasn’t drunk, and I hadn’t danced on any tables.

Truth was, I was planning on having lunch with other friends that day and set my alarm to wake up in 3 hours, only to be woken up an hour early with a message saying one of my friends couldn’t make it, and as the morning ramen I had consumed was gurgling horribly around in my stomach I apologetically cancelled last minute too. The other friends were very nice about the ordeal, thankfully.

I slept till 4pm, waking up after a much too realistic, happy dream that had me in high hopes when I opened my eyes, only to realise that it was, but a dream. I was devastated, but also annoyed at myself that I still have a small flame of hope in my heart.

I had been invited to and thus booked tickets to a "jazz" gig of professional musicians that evening, who were famous enough in their own genre. I’d been to a performance by one of them in February, and although she was very good and talented, it wasn’t really for me. I like jazz, but it was too soft and sweet for me. I’m more into minor tones, a big grand piano, a low-voiced female singer, a powerful bass line and random drums. I guess I like my music dark, or downright insane.

The bar and venue itself was fancy and I liked the atmosphere, but it was tiny, and I started to feel dizzy and claustrophobic. I started to get a headache, and due to the music not being of any huge interest to me, I couldn’t stay there. Hence, being the pegasus I am, I apologised to my friend that I wasn’t feeling too good, and left before the end.

I ended up going to Starbucks for an hour, was feeling oddly melancholic, found a park and swung on a swing for a few minutes with Maria Brink blasting her heart out in their ballads in my earphones.

I was planning on hanging out more with friends that weekend, but result was I was by myself again, but of my own choice and doings. I felt like I had wasted it a little, but I guess I'm still emotionally fragile for meeting people in big doses.

Aside from my lonely weekend, I will be meeting a good friend from my old workplace for dinner tonight. It should be a laugh, although I'm ready to hear her complaints. I know how crap the bosses are.

P.S. I made a post about that odd night at my new photo blog. See the emo-ness of it here.

Review, now reset.

The number of times I've tried to "reset" myself over certain times of my life is quite amusing.

But I believe this time, I really need to start over.

After breaking a heart, having my own broken straight after, and now uncertain about what was almost a set future ahead of me, I've been rethinking about myself and my life.

Seriously, when it comes to physical ageing and society today, things don't balance out.

There was a part of me that panicked a little with a big handful of my friends tying the knot and settling down, but when I think back, until there was talk about it from the then significant other, I had never in my life ever wished for it. In the long run, it would be nice, but if anything I had a stronger desire for having kids, which is the main reason I thought, in terms of being in my late twenties, it was "now or never".

My new outlook on life?

Bollocks to that.

Stuff all the trying to dress my age, act my age, do things "my age should be doing".

When I came to Japan in my early twenties, many people said they thought I was older because I was a lot more maturer than the sissy Japanese girlies (Not all of them, but they really are young. Both in looks and attitude.)
I've noticed things have turned around recently as most of the people I meet now think I'm in my early to mid twenties. Either I've immature-d, or my skin looks fantastic. I tell myself it's the latter, though I do miss my perfect skin of my student years.

So, now I know I can pull of looking young, I've decided I still have opportunities of the younger generation too. I have decided to conquer my crazy, silly dreams that I'd pushed aside these past years.

Check it out.
  • Update my wardrobe with what I want to wear - grunge, rock chic, go wild. People will probably stare and think I'm a (giant) whore but I will strut down the street in my killer heels and fishnets without a care.
  • Find a band(s), do lots of gigs. Go crazy on stage, be who I really want to be.
  • Be super determined at trying to lose a bit of weight and tone up.
  • Try modelling as a side project, just for fun.
  • Get the piercings that I'd always wanted, touch up on my tattoos.
  • Hang out with friends more, make more friends.
  • Go out drinking and dancing, get wasted without anyone frowning upon me, whilst not going too over the top.
  • Be a camera whore on instagram and simplog, because since I've put more pictures up of my face and body, the number of followers have soared, and the compliments make me happy. I know I sound vain, but I've had and still do have issues with my appearance and body that have stopped me from many things, and  this helps my confidence.
  • Continue to be inspired by beautiful people around me and online (tumblr, haha).
  • Travel more, go out more, visit places I've never been.

...I sound like a whining teenager, eheh.

But I've decided to be kind to myself. I always seem to be trying to please someone, and I'm tried of it.

I may not reach all these goals, but just having them in mind is keeping me strong these days.

The rest of this year is going to be fantastic.

I aim to have reached a number of these goals by summer, my favourite season of the year.

A Fool in Love

In the irony of having written a post about a break up, I find myself writing about another one, two months later, but this time, I'm the one with a broken heart.

"A fool in love."

A phrase that unfortunately and perfectly fits me.

I try to be cool, try to take things rationally, don't share my love life openly and push forward the image of “Career girl first, relationships second”, but in reality, I’m a pathetically lonely damsel who acts on her emotions.

My first realisation in that I could be such a “fool in love” was with my first ever, proper boyfriend when I was 20.

Ridiculously innocent and pure, I experienced everything with him, from simply going on a date to even holding hands with a boy.

I adored him, and although his feelings were stronger at first, as I grew to love him, he began to cool down.

Sod’s law of relationships, that.

I experienced a month of tears and arguments, and desperately fought to keep him.
Near the end of our relationship he gave me false hope, but then he snatched it away from me in a sudden instant with the words,

“I think we should go back to being friends.”

Over 6 months of hell.

I could still cry over it a year after.

Determined not to go through the same pain again, I approached relationships more cautiously.

Due to also being more experienced, the next 3 relationships were somewhat “normal”.
There were times I enjoyed myself, times where I got angry or sad, but none of them had the passion I did with my first boyfriend.

At the time I was with my fourth boyfriend, in a not satisfactory but “normal” relationship, I was even considering a normal future with him.

But then, you appeared.