Snowed under. Both body & soul.

I have been pretty unhappy recently.

I'm generally a positive person all round and hardly ever get depressed, but these past few months have taken the last straw. In general, it's mostly little things which I've tried to ignore but they've built up inside me and I can longer hold it in. I think I'm starting to break down.

Of all the issues, my main problem is that I'm unhappy at work. I'm unhappy with some of the content of my job, but mostly with the workplace. I think it may have to do with me being "too British" and being unable to adapt to the Japanese work environment, but I think it also has to do with the current situation of my workplace in particular. I don't dislike my co-workers and think they are generally nice people, but when it comes to working with them, I hate it. I feel no support from them in terms of my job, and all they seem to do is pick at all the mistakes I do, which I of course understand, but they even tell me off for things I don't think I'm doing wrong. I'm not fishing for compliments, and I'm aware that they perhaps don't praise as much in Japan as they do in Western societies, but they don't even comment on the effort I put it when I'm actually quite proud of some of things I come up with. In fact, though my co-workers in my section don't say a thing, other workers in the office in different sections praise me instead! But what good is it if the people who work with you don't appreciate what you do?
This has led to my motivation to drop rapidly, which I am sure, shows in the office. And I don't give a damn, to be honest.

There are other things too such as I think I'm simply too stupid for the job. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of my lack of knowledge, and blame myself for not studying harder in my latter years as a student.

I also hate where I live. My city in Hokkaido gets the heaviest snow, yet we don't have any famous ski slope (not that I do any winter sports to begin with) or any well-known snow festival. It may be a city yet it's so spread out that for someone like me who doesn't own a car, it's a chore just to go to the supermarket to get daily groceries. I have no friends here, aside from other foreigners who work for the same company as me, as I never have the opportunity to meet people my age, simply because there's nowhere to go - no cinema, no big shopping centre, nothing. Everyone ends up going to Sapporo, which is about a 30 minute train ride away, and I do the same. I love Sapporo, and have many friends there, as well as places I like to visit often.

I actually miss my old teaching job as an ALT back in a small country town which is much smaller than here, but warm with gorgeous sceneries. Ironically, it was a lot more convenient as I could walk to the supermarket, and I had many friends there. There were no cinemas, clubs, bowling alleys etc, but we made up for that by having >Nabe parties, and general get-together over good food and drinks most weekends, and it was wonderful. I miss the kids there - no matter how bad I'd be feeling, just seeing the smiles on the pupils' faces brightened my day up. I still keep in contact with some of them who still go to the schools I taught at, and they tell me they miss me and wish for me to come back. I also miss teaching in general; I've realised how much I enjoy it. The only things I can delve into at my current job now are the 2 nursery visits I have once a month, and the English classes I teach to some lovely middle-aged ladies, because I actually like doing it.

The result of this emo mess? As this is a yearly contracting job, I'm not re-contracting. I've decided that I'll be leaving here when my contract finishes next July. I could've stayed for one more year as in total this is a 5 year contract (I spent 2 years teaching as an ALT, and 2 years with my current job), and there was the idea that I could try and it take it for one more year, but I can't. I need to be brave and escape this "safety net" - if I stayed, I'd have a steady job which pays very well, a place to live, support in the sense of dealing with my taxes etc. But I need now to stand on my own two feet.

I'm not leaving Japan, nor Hokkaido. In the long run, I think I will return to the U.K., or go somewhere else - my past job has taught me what a Japanese work environment is like so I doubt I could handle working for a Japanese company for the rest of my life. But I think I'd like to go back to teaching, or try something else for a short period, which tries to avoid a stoic Japanese office. I still feel like my work here is "not done", though I wouldn't be able to say what that is exactly.

It would be wonderful if I could move to Sapporo, but if I can move somewhere near it in a more countryside area which proves convenient for someone who doesn't own a car, and doesn't overkill winter with particularly heavy snow then I would be happy wherever I was. Admittedly, I hate the cold and wouldn't mind the idea of moving somewhere else in Japan, but I definitely wouldn't choose Tokyo. I love it only because I visit it. I am rather interested in Fukouka, which I adored, or the kansai areas however, but we'll see.

I have to talk to my co-workers about my decision this week, and I'm petrified. Funny how I should be, because it really is my decision and they can't say anything against it. Shows how uncomfortable I feel around them.

And yeah, we had snow cave in on us last week. I came back from Tokyo for a week's business trip, and my friend who lives in the same apartment, who was also away for the week, gave me a lift back from the airport. We arrived back at 11pm on Saturday night to this;

If I recall, we both yelled certain French phrases that I should avoid typing out here. As it meant that we couldn't drive the car in the driveway, we shovelled out a path for it till 1am, went to bed, and decided to continue the rest the following afternoon

Result of a night's worth of shovelling

For some reason the driveway to our apartment block of only 4 apartments is ridiculously huge. Although only my friend owns the one car, we need to keep the driveway clear so that other people can actually get into the place, not just our friends who visit but postmen, etc. Therefore, it was only fair that I helped.

After about 3 hours work.

We were finally done, to an extent (not the whole driveway, as we didn't think the whole area needs to be done!), after about 5 hours in total. Even today, my shoulders and arms are exhausted.

Playing around. Not the best picture, but here is my art piece,
"Faces of the Snow".

We decided that we needed some well-deserved treats, and as we'd skipped lunch, we had a delightfully big dinner at the family restaurant '"CoCo's". It's one of my favourites.

I adore the Drink Bar they have there. Teas galore! <3

Dessert was a must.

I'd say we just about managed to rebuild our energy after this.
We then headed to an Onsen, to soak our poor, poor muscles. As tough as it was, I actually had a nice day. I'm only glad that it hadn't snowed more during the night.

These past few days it's rained, and therefore a lot of the snow has been washed away. Yet glancing out the window I noticed huge flakes following... Here's to more shovelling over the next 6 months. See why I'm desperate to leave this place?!

The rest of my unhappiness list includes the passing away of my granddad last month, and the fact that I seem to have a cold that has lasted for months, plus the strange skin rashes I had, conjunctivitis, cold-sores etc. My skin has exploded in spots recently too, probably due to not getting enough sleep, and I feel gross. I even had mishaps with some friendships, but luckily one of them has almost sorted itself out and I've decided to not bother with the other one.

On that happy note I will end with this; music is my saviour.
I find myself rooting through music I listened to more often in my teens, by going back to my Metal and heavy Visual-kei. Perhaps due to that, but I find my fashion is slightly going back to that too - heavier eye make-up, black and straighteners again! I guess it's a way of expressing how I feel...? It helps, though.Yes, let's emo it up, kids.

A song with lyrics that gives me hope which I've been listening to recently, is "Someday" by Youjeen. Though not a particularly well-known artist, her strong voice and vocal range are amazing ♥