I'm not afraid of death.
That doesn't mean I want to end my life. I, as do many, would like to live a fruitful, long one.
I've never wanted to live forever, though.
I've actually thought about posting this in my Blog for a while.
Recent deaths of relatives, friends of friends, and illnesses of those I love and warnings in my own health may have trigged me to post it now.
In general though, I am currently alive, happy, healthy, and enjoying and loving life.
But it could all end tomorrow. I don't mean this in a negative light, but in reality - sudden ailments and accidents could be waiting for me around the corner. But that doesn't mean I should live in fear of what's to come. It makes me realise that I should enjoy life to the fullest every day.
Death is a funny thing.
As I said, it doesn't scare me. Not belonging to a religion or having any religious beliefs, I don't think we'll float up to heaven or get struck down into hell. I've always thought that defining "right" and "wrong" is a tricky business, and I think we all have our own different morals anyway. I believe that, when we die, that's it. We're just gone. Poof. We don't have any realisation of it, no sensation of it, no nothing. So why are we scared? Probably because it is nothing. Probably because no one has experienced that nothing; it's all fear of the unknown. We aren't hurt or in pain, because we become nothing.
If anything, it's the road to death that can be painful. Therefore, we are probably more afraid of dying rather than death, which I admit I am also wary of. I'd rather I go in a split second then in hours of pain.
To me, living on life support for years is like death. If I ever find myself in a coma, with no signs of even being in a vegetative state for a whole year, as I do still believe in miracles that one can recover, I would ask my family to let me go. I couldn't stand the thought of them having to visit the vegetable that I had become, and only feeling more depressed as I fail to respond at all.
On the other hand, if due to an illness or injury, I had to lose a limb, body part or organ, I would ask that all operations go ahead, if it meant I could stay alive. Being a lover of music, the thought of losing my vocal organs and hearing would have me distraught, and though I know it would be hell at first, I know I could overcome it. It is normally those kind of people who become the most brave and inspirational people in the world, and I would aspire to be like them.
However, if I did die, I don't want to be buried. I would want my organs that may be of use to be donated, and I want to be cremated. Being a fan of the Gothic, lying in a coffin like a pearly white vampire sounds rather romantic, but to end up as skull and bones rotting in the earth with worms poking out my eye hole doesn't sound appealing (unless I die at sea wearing a pirate hat. That would be cool.) So, though my cremation seems to be heading along the lines of Buddhist or Shinto, I don't want a grave. I don't want a little shrine or anything. I don't want to have to leave a burden for my family in that they have to "visit me" every year. If it puts my family at peace, however, I would of course let them do as they please. But I want my ashes scattered somewhere, like the sea. I've always liked the ocean, as cliché as it sounds. I wasn't brought up near it, nor am I particularly good swimmer, but on the number of times I've visited the beach, my favourite past times was walking along the shore, or sitting and simply listening to the water. Maybe my obsession with 'My Little Mermaid' and lying on my stomach singing when I was a child has something to do with it.
My funeral is going to be awesome. For a start, it's not going to be a religious one. I don't want any Priests, Buddhists, whatever. Although again, from my love of the Gothic art, the thought of doing it in a beautiful church sounds entrancing, doing it in some sort of hall or centre would be better. Actually, I like the thought of it being held at a nightclub or concert hall, to show my love for night-life and music. Somewhere in one of my favourite cities, like London, Birmingham, Sapporo or Osaka.
It would be a party. No one is to wear boring mourning clothes. I'd want guests to wear their favourite outfits - any outfit that made them feel confident and beautiful, reminding them of my love for fashion. It might be cool if they added a bit of pink as it's my favourite colour at the moment. The place would be decorated wacky and wonderful, to show my love for art. There'd be amazingly good food (reminding them of my gluttony), music, bands, and dancing. It would be celebration - hopefully a celebration of my life, and not so much a "good riddance", haha! It might be cool to have people make random speeches of their best memories of me. I wouldn't deny that there would be tears (I know there are people who would miss me, eheh), but I would wish for them to look at things in a more positive light. It would be amazing if my death became an inspiration for someone to do something.
Which brings me back to where I am now. What have I done in life so far? If I were to die this year, tomorrow, today, what would I leave?
Yes, life is short, so I'll probably end up dying not completing half of the things I'd wanted to do, especially if I die any time soon. I'm not going to rush or push things; if my life ends soon, it was fate. But I do want to think more about what I'm doing. I want to be able to leave something.
My conclusion in a mini bucket list;
- Do more charity work. This was also one of my resolutions. I've felt strongly about a number of issues for years and have not gone about it. I really want to do more.
- Work towards my dream. Notice this is my dream, not my ambitions. If you know me well, you probably know what it is. I'm trying to be realistic, but I can't forget about it. Even if I can get as close as possible to making it come true, I would be happy.
- Keep those I love close, and socialise in needed amounts. One of my resolutions used to be "socialise more", but I realised this doesn't work because I am very much a lone wolf. I love people, and I feel comfortable in big groups but I enjoy my time alone. I am, though, terrible at keeping in contact with friends, so I want to keep communicating with those I care for.
If this was to be a detailed bucket list it would be much longer as you can imagine.
Well, life goes on. Let's see what more I can make of it! :)
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