All you left behind.

It came quite suddenly.


Just last December when I visited home, I was telling my friends and family that I had probably found the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

But now I know I was only telling that to myself.



The realisation hit me at the end of last month.



It’s funny that I’m writing this on a public blog on the internet.

One of things I began to despise about you was that you would freely write about almost everything and everything on a public social networking site.
I remember you saying how you had bad social skills, and that you didn’t have any particularly close friends that you could talk to.
I suppose the internet was the only place for you to express yourself.
You could confine in it more than you could to me.

Do you realise how lonely that made me feel?

And in the irony of me doing the same thing now, on my personal blog that practically no one knows about, unlike your SNS, I suppose there’s a part of me that wishes you would read this.
Not that you would ever find it.
Not that you ever knew I had a blog.

I guess you weren’t that interested in my hobbies.
Maybe you weren’t so interested in me.

It makes me smile in a sad way as it was due to SNS that we ever really hit it off in the first place.
I used to enjoy reading your crude comments and twisted thoughts on life, however I began hating them as I knew you were just creating an image for yourself.




I can already see the anger in your face at me saying you were “making an image for yourself”.


You wouldn’t want to admit it, but I know you very well.




I’d come to learn what angers you, or words I know that would irritate you.


Which is why I held them back.
I could no longer say exactly how I felt.

That was too stressful for me, so I found myself saying them anyway.



I knew you hated how strong-willed I was.

I suppose a quiet, polite, feminine Japanese girl who nodded at every word you say would be more ideal for you.




Even when I was with you, I didn’t think it had to me.


It could’ve been anybody.


I never felt special.


I never felt I was special to you.


I was some girl who happened to be seeing you at a certain point in your life where you were ready and needed to get along with life and future plans.


Maybe you didn’t intend for that, but that’s how it came across to me.

That we would sort of go with the flow, get together, have our future together and work it out because “we had to”.





I didn’t want a life like that.





But you did tell me in the end.

Words I never thought possible coming from you.


That actually, maybe I was a bit special for you.
Everything about me that I thought angered you, you praised.

You said you wished for us to stay together.






If only I’d heard those words earlier…





You told me you’re no good with words.

Well, it’s not all about “words”.

It’s about how you treated me.


In truth, I didn’t really feel loved.


I was insecure.


Constant questions which I tried to keep pushed at the back of my mind.

Are you sure you want to be with me?

Do you enjoy being with me?

Do I irritate you?

Had you never thought I was the only one for you, and no one else would do?

Were you with me because of the sake of being with some one?




Of course, I saw things realistically.

I wasn't expecting a knight in shining armour, I don't believe fairytales of pure, "true love".



But, if things were like how they were…how would they have been in the future?





Remember our last conversation?


You said, “Making the decision to be with each other would be the end."


I said, “To me, that’s not the end. It’s a new beginning.”



How can I look forward to a new beginning when you think it’s the end?

That's too sad.




I think I panicked.

With all my friends doing their things, and meeting all your family and spending more time with them.

I felt pressured.



I wanted to enjoy the present.



But even “the present” wasn’t enjoyable recently…






Perhaps it was because our hobbies and interests were so different, but I found most of the time we were doing what you wanted to do.

I didn’t mind at first, but I started to get tired.



Why can’t I do the things I enjoy with the person I love?

Why can’t I proudly bring along the person I love to events with friends?



I know you tired.


But only a few times.


I could tell you were forcing yourself.
It was written all over your face.

Unlike me, who could smile at whatever you wanted to do.

You probably didn’t realise it, but I tried so hard.

But when I saw you enjoying yourself,  I naturally enjoyed myself too.

I guess I'll that's where we were different too.


In the end, I said, "Don’t come. I’ll go by myself.”


So there I would often be, alone.

Even if my friends were with me, the fact was you weren't there.

You will never realise I how lonely I felt.




I’m sorry.



But I hope some day you will understand that I did this for you, too.

I doubt you can think that way now.


It’s cliche, but I truly feel that there is someone better for you out there.


I couldn’t make you happy.

But you couldn’t make me happy either.





People don’t change.


Fact.




I do have good memories.

Lots of new experiences too.

I’m going to only remember the fun times and put them away somewhere safe.



Thank you for everything.



“Anata no Shiawase wo Negaimasu.”
I wish you all the happiness in the future.






You hated the city.
You hardly ever came to my apartment.


I left a lot of things at your place.

I left presents and gifts that I really thought about getting for you.
They will probably get thrown away.

I also left a lot of memories there.



But in my apartment, there is no smell or presence of you at all.

All that remain are in the tray I bought especially for you for that bad habit I hated.


The only thing you left behind.




Ashes.