"A fool in love."
A phrase that unfortunately and perfectly fits me.
I try to be cool, try to take things rationally, don't share my love life openly and push forward the image of “Career girl first, relationships second”, but in reality, I’m a pathetically lonely damsel who acts on her emotions.
My first realisation in that I could be such a “fool in love” was with my first ever, proper boyfriend when I was 20.
Ridiculously innocent and pure, I experienced everything with him, from simply going on a date to even holding hands with a boy.
I adored him, and although his feelings were stronger at first, as I grew to love him, he began to cool down.
Sod’s law of relationships, that.
I experienced a month of tears and arguments, and desperately fought to keep him.
Near the end of our relationship he gave me false hope, but then he snatched it away from me in a sudden instant with the words,
“I think we should go back to being friends.”
Over 6 months of hell.
I could still cry over it a year after.
Determined not to go through the same pain again, I approached relationships more cautiously.
Due to also being more experienced, the next 3 relationships were somewhat “normal”.
There were times I enjoyed myself, times where I got angry or sad, but none of them had the passion I did with my first boyfriend.
At the time I was with my fourth boyfriend, in a not satisfactory but “normal” relationship, I was even considering a normal future with him.
But then, you appeared.
I couldn’t believe that in 3 and a half years, you could have matured so much.
But at the same time, you hadn’t changed.
You were still the lovely, sweet boy who thought the world of me.
I hadn’t had so much fun on that day in years.
You accepted everything about me.
You were so different to my boyfriend at the time, who didn’t seem happy with the way I acted, and was a general bore to go out with.
It was a wake up call.
I thought,
“I could be in a much more fun relationship like this.”
When I split up with him, it wasn’t my intention to get into a relationship with you.
I only ended it because I thought maybe there was someone else like you out there, and that I was wasting my time in a relationship I wasn’t entirely happy with.
Due to our difference in age, I thought it was impossible.
But, as we spent more time together, the more your words and actions touched my heart, and you won me over.
Maybe if I had held my feelings back, thought rationally and stayed friends with you, I wouldn’t have to go through the pain I am now.
Over a month of unbelievable happiness.
I knew about your part time job at night.
You only said you worked in a bar, and that you chatted with the customers.
I never thought less about it.
Because we saw each other 3 or 4 times a week, and because you contacted me frequently every day and hardly ever checked your phone when I was with you, I didn’t feel the need to look into it.
When I look back, there were many times I could’ve spotted the truth.
I was aware you knew how to please a lady because you made me feel like a princess, but I never actually thought you were one of them.
When you suddenly stopped contacting me for a few days, feelings of anxiety washed over me.
We hadn’t fought or had any disagreements, so I was hurt and confused.
Maybe you didn’t like me any more.
Maybe your feelings had abruptly cooled down like they had with my first boyfriend.
Finally, you messaged me with the same words that broke my heart 7 years ago.
“I think we should go back to being friends.”
It had happened again.
“I understand. Feelings change and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
I replied, trying to keep the atmosphere light.
But your response was something I was not expecting.
“I do still like you. I never told you, but I’m a host. It was my dream since I was in senior school.”
I didn’t know how to react.
It was a part of Japanese culture that was still hazy to me, something that still baffled me.
But at the same time, a lot of things started to make sense.
I was grateful that you had been honest with me, and made the right decision for us.
“I’m sorry I never realised. I get it. Maybe we can hang out again some time!”
There I was, trying to be a mature, carefree lady.
Because I still liked you.
I wanted you to remember me as the mature, good, easygoing lady.
Not the fool in love who was screaming in my insides.
“No.”
“Please don’t go.”
“Even if we can’t see each other as much as we used to, I’ll live with it.
Just please don’t end this.”
“Even if you tell other girls that you like them, I’ll pretend not to know about it.
So please stay with me.”
But of course, that sort of relationship would be hopeless.
The blurred boundaries between trust, honesty and jealousy would be too much to bear.
I wouldn’t want you to touch other girls the way you touched me.
I wouldn’t want you to kiss other girls the way you kissed me.
The thought of you getting into bed with one of them kills me.
That’s why it just can’t be.
And, although you say you still like me but you’re choosing the path of your “dream”, I’m pretty sure your feelings for me had died down somewhere.
Boys are only out for the chase, once they get what they want, they get bored and toss it aside.
It’s ok, you don’t have to lie.
I’m very aware.
It's a stereotype of genders, but I've experienced it enough to know it applies to most.
It’s frustrating how you pretty much had me in the palm of your hand.
I laugh about how pathetic I was.
God, I can’t believe such a young boy could have done this to me.
Damn it.
I’d gone back to the innocent, naïve 20 year old I used to be.
I was the “fool in love” again.
You will never read this, but let me tell you something.
Back when we first met, when the younger you would try so hard to express your feelings towards me, there were times when I thought,
“Maybe I will never meet anyone else in my life who will like me this much.”
Now as both grown adults, when we were finally able to be together, I had hopes, though tiny, about what could be.
I had been so excited about our time together from now on.
That was my stupidest thought yet, right?
God, I really am stupid.
The same as 7 years ago.
The unpleasant reminiscent feeling of a broken heart.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t eat.
My head hurts.
I feel sick.
Perhaps the only thing that’s changed since my first experience, is that I’ve learnt to hold back the tears.
Thank you for the short dream you let me experience.
Good bye.
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